Amazing Grace

That phrase has a whole knew meaning to me after the birth of my 3rd child. I know I blogged, and facebooked about being pregnant with Mason, but since I have had him, I really haven't spoken about it. I really haven't allowed myself to think about it. To be honest, it still takes my breath away. Takes me to my knees and makes me Praise the Lord that he gave me the grace to do it.
I think I should back up and explain why, after 10 months am I just now writing about it. I guess you could say its catching up to me. And, after years of therapy I learned to be present, and to feel. So everything that happened while I was pregnant with Mason, I felt, and allowing myself to remember, means I feel it again. Today, I had a friend reply on my Facebook "remember this time last year?" and that innocent comment took me back. It brought me to my knees and the tears started flowing.
God blessed us with an amazing gift, to have not 2 children, but 3. When we thought we were all done, he stepped in and said wait. One would think that since it was his plan, that he would have made it easy. But looking back he needed to show me that I needed to practice what he taught me. To not just be obedient to his word, but to have faith in him that he would provide all my needs. That is very hard to remember when you think you are miscarrying, or your unborn child might have a life altering medical condition, or your spouse moves to New Orleans for their job, or you hurt so bad you can barely move and you are in a constant state of nausea or vomiting, but you have to take care of your other children, or your Dr tragically dies from a massive heart attack weeks before your due date, or you go into labor while your husband is on the road and is 12 hours away (or that's what I thought until 12 hours later when the contractions stopped) or you only gain 5 pounds during your pregnancy, or your husband goes back to New Orleans leaving you with a new born and 2 kids and you just had a c section. Faith. I had unwavering faith that God would provide.
I would love to say that I was graceful in how I handled these obstacles, but that wasn't always the case. I had my moments. I remember on several occasions being on the phone with Matt, usually after weeks of him being gone, and him not knowing when he would get to come home, and me crying "I think I'm doing pretty good considering I don't handle change or uncertainty very well. And remember I'm not on medication anymore!" I also remember that horrible phone call when the Dr told me that my test results came back for Mason showing he was positive for spina bifida. That was a bad phone call. I would have liked to have shown more grace in that instant, but I crumbled. It took me about 15 min of being completely numb before I hit my knees and prayed to God. He provided the clarity I needed to move forward. The guidance to call my Pastor and his wife to pray with me. And the knowledge that "baby m" would be perfectly healthy. And the re-test and ultra sound that proved it.
It is very hard to look back on that time and to remember the parts that I was not certain i would make it through. The day my husband pulled out of the driveway to leave for New Orleans, was just days after we found out something "might" be wrong with Mason. That meant Matt would not be there for any of the tests or ultra sounds. How do you face that alone? How do you take care of your 2 healthy daughters by yourself and be "ok"? Faith. Unwavering faith.
I serve an awesome God. One that lead me to get off anti depressants because I didn't need them anymore. One that blessed us with a baby boy just 1 month after I got off the medication, the same medication that could have hurt him. One that gave me the gift of water aerobics so I could walk and remain mobile so I could take care of my girls. One that kept us all safe and free from having a baby until Matt could make it home. One that provided us with a way for us to support 3 children on one income. I believed in Gods promises the WHOLE time, and he provided. I had faith, and got us to the other side. Clearly it was not always easy, but he never said it would be. He just asks us to have faith and trust in him. So, you see that is why I fall to my knees and cry. I praise the Lord that he walked with me the whole way. That he gave me the grace to handle what kept coming at me. Because that was such a traumatic time, and without him, I would be nothing.